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"One Liners" thread

We have some humor threads, but I thought it might be fun to have one dedicated to all of your funny one-liners. (If the mods disagree, they can, I suppose, merge this with one of the others, at least if the mod tools are fully fixed...)

Well, I mean they don't have to be your own, but also ones you've heard and liked.

I'll start with a favorite from Steven Wright...

About two weeks ago I was...no, wait, that wasn't me.

 

Related:

#1 rootabaga, Dec 22, 2014
When my time comes, I'd like to be buried face down, so that anybody who doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
- Red Forman.
 
#2 bjacks12, Dec 22, 2014
When it comes to one liners, I prefer a much bigger boat.
 
#3 EarlyMon, Dec 22, 2014
If your on the boat, then I'm jumping the shark :p
 
#4 treb1797, Dec 23, 2014
A guy walked into a bar and said 'ouch.'
 
#5 Unforgiven, Dec 23, 2014
They say memory is the second thing to go. I forget what the first thing is.
 
#6 lunatic59, Dec 23, 2014
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
#7 Unforgiven, Dec 23, 2014
You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.
 
#8 olbriar, Dec 23, 2014
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
 
#9 Unforgiven, Dec 23, 2014
Take my wife for instance, please.
 
#10 olbriar, Dec 23, 2014
If any of you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
 
#11 lunatic59, Dec 23, 2014
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
#12 Unforgiven, Dec 23, 2014
My wife is not always right but she is never wrong.
 
#13 olbriar, Dec 23, 2014
I like Fark.com

One of the better headlines today:

North Korea Internet service restored. Looks like someone found a new AOL disc.
http://www.nbcnews.com/tech/securit...line-after-widespread-internet-outage-n273281
 
#14 zuben el genub, Dec 23, 2014
Yesterday I went to the Zen hog dog vendor and asked him to make me one with everything.
 
#15 EarlyMon, Dec 23, 2014
80% of all statistics are false.
 
#16 iowabowtech, Dec 23, 2014
And half of the time I'm 100% right.:maddroid:
 
#17 Unforgiven, Dec 23, 2014
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He's already accepted the fact you won't pay him back.
 
#18 iowabowtech, Dec 23, 2014
That's a two-liner. :rolleyes:
 
#19 jefboyardee, Dec 23, 2014
That's what she said.
 
#20 IamWhoIam, Dec 24, 2014
Bazinga!
 
#21 dontpanicbobby, Dec 24, 2014
'Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.' - Boothby Graffoe.
 
#22 psionandy, Dec 24, 2014
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
 
#23 dontpanicbobby, Dec 24, 2014
Not a one liner but :

Apple have scrapped their new cruise liner the "iTitanic", every time it docked it synced.
 
#24 dynomot, Dec 24, 2014
My mother in law is so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits next to EVERYONE!!!!!
 
#25 hiredgun, Dec 24, 2014
Falling out with my yoga instructor has left me in an awkward position.
 
#85 psionandy, Feb 13, 2018